Center of Truth
by joebthegreat
Summary: There's an evil scheme involving a beard machine. There's a murderer stabbing people. Most importantly: There's love in the air. Only under these circumstances will the truth of all things be revealed.
1. Introduction to Our Mad World

**Center of Truth**  
>by joebthegreat<p>

**Chapter 1: Introduction to Our Mad World**

Hello world.

* * *

><p>Ness was a wise old man, or at least that's what was said. He had seen a lot during his life, and had learned things that couldn't be taught in any classroom, or at least that's how the rumors went. He was bald with a long beard, so he had to be at least old enough for that beard to grow. Certainly this was proof that he was mature enough to handle all matters of importance.<p>

"At last! My invention is a success!" Dr. Mario cackled. "The Beard Growth Machine is a success! They laughed at me! They said I was a fool! They told me it was a terrible name! Well who cares what they think! I'll be too busy stroking my beard, OF SUCCESS!"

Dr. Mario stood proudly next to his invention. A flat board on the ground, with four glowing cylinders rising up from it. Nobody would be able to explain to you how it worked. (0)

"Aight, cool stuff, see ya' later" Ness waved, leaving to his desolate island where he would ponder the nature of mankind in solitude. (1)

"Now how might I use this great invention, TO RULE THE WORLD?" Dr. Mario cackled.

"Beards are so out of style. Nobody wants one, and the people who do want one are prohibited by their jobs to have one!" Lucas yelled. "I mean, I could totally grow a mean beard if I wanted to, but the regulations at my company state I have to present a 'clean shaven appearance'! It's totally lame!"

"My God! You're right!" Dr. Mario cackled. "If I were to increase the scope of my invention, I could give everyone beards. Being forced to shave them would cause massive increased sales in the razor and hair care market! If I buy stock now I can play the market! Then, with my increases in wealth, I can RULE THE WORLD!"

"Well, at least you can become a big shot investor and stuff" Lucas said. "Hey, maybe you can get me a nice comfy position at the management of one of those hair care companies?"

"Yes, after all you've been such a help around here Lucas. It's not as if I've had to work with Ness the whole time while you were off playing with friends. No, you've been absolutely critical," Dr. Mario sarcackled. (2)

"Oh fine. Just because I've only just walked into this basement in the past minute. Just because this is the first conversation I think we've ever had in two years. Just because I don't have one of those fancy beards yet. Look, I've had enough of your discrimination. I'm unionizing!" Lucas yelled.

Dr. Mario sighed, threw up his hands, shook his head slightly, and walked out of the room.

"You didn't have to make a big scene out of it!" Lucas yelled, throwing the strange machine out the door at Dr. Mario. "And take your stupid beard growing thing with you!"

It was dinner time. A time for rejoicement and celebration. A time when all that was wrong with the world was made right again. It was time for the bellies of all those living in the mansion to be filled. Truly, the wonders of modern science and ingenuity is what made such a marvelous event possible. (3)

Dr. Mario had immediately come here after his hard day of work and research. He sat next to Mario and Luigi at their normal table, right next to the kitchen, and with a view looking directly towards all the other tables. He had a large sirloin steak and wine for his celebration, and quietly ate it in contentment. He kept his cackling to a minimum.

Mario was sniffing the air in the dining room, looking around in disgust.

"What is it brother?" Luigi asked with concern.

"I smell something I haven't in a long time. Something evil." Mario muttered. "Almost as if..."

Mario turned his head suddenly to Lucas, who had just come walking into the room, and who was walking to the table with his friends on it.

"Unions." Mario snarled with disgust.

"What do you find to be wrong with unions?" Luigi asked.

"They want money." Mario mumbled.

"Ah, but brother, you want money yourself." Luigi said.

Mario and Luigi continued to debate the merits of wanting money for the whole meal, meanwhile Link and Zelda were bragging to Pit and Samus.

"It was thiiis big!" Link laughed, holding his hands out wide.

"Are we still talking about fishing, or the other thing?" Pit asked with a puzzled look. (4)

Zelda blushed as Link stammered over himself "I-I was saying. Y-you see. Damn it Pit you're not getting it!"

Samus playfully nudged Pit. "Oh come on, quit toying with them!"

"So are you two an item yet, or what the hell?" Link asked, trying to move the conversation.

"Oh we're. I dunno. We get a lot of letters in the mail telling us we should get together, and frankly I'm not sure how the idea originated." Samus said.

"I'm still just trying to figure out how it would work if it was that big..." Pit pondered, before quickly adding. "For either of those things."

"Oh come off it Pit! We're talking about us now, okay?" Samus sighed.

"There's an us?" Pit asked. "When did this happen?"

"Well there's certainly not an 'us' yet." Samus said, and with that she took her plate and walked away.

"Dude, you totally blew it!" Link laughed. "What the hell?"

"What? I don't need to go out with Samus. Why does everyone assume I want to?" Pit asked.

"Come on, you're a good looking bachelor, she's a good looking bachelorette?" Zelda asked. "It's not a big leap."

"Besides, you have common interests!" Link said. "You both beat the crap out of people for a living!"

"It's just like us and our cross-dressing!" Zelda smiled, holding Link's hand and bringing herself closer to him. "You know when you have a connection like that, it's meant to last."

"It's not cross-dressing, damn it! It's common for men to wear kilts or tunics to battle!" Link yelled, throwing his food on the ground and storming out.

"Well..." Pit said in shock, before leaning in to Zelda quietly. "I doubt it was really that big anyway."

Zelda tore the table in half with her bare hands, and then started grabbing the innocent souls of children yet to be born and tore them into pieces in a rage.

Pit fled to his room.

Dr. Mario finished his dinner and left.

That night all was quiet in the mansion. (5)

Falco had just changed into his pink flowery 'jammies' as he liked to call them, and was fluffing his pillows in preparation for a good night's sleep. Just then his cell phone started ringing.

"Oh now who would be calling at this hour?" Falco wondered, skipping over to the phone and answering it.

"You're going to die tonight" a dark raspy voice said over the phone.

"Oh, you say that every night, silly!" Falco giggled.

"No, I'm serious this time damn it. This is a serious warning. I'm actually going to come into your room with a knife and stab you" the dark raspy voice cried.

"Heh, I bet you will. You'll stab me good!" Falco hung up and skipped back to his bed, laughing himself to sleep.

That night...

Nothing happened. (6)

It was early the next morning. Charizard was pacing back and forth in his room. He had been unable to sleep, too much was running through his mind. He couldn't stop thinking about Jigglypuff. Ever since he had seen her in her revealing swimsuit the other day, (7) he couldn't get rid of that image. He had been through so many tissues, and sleep still wouldn't come.

"CHAAAAARRR" Charizard roared in longing.

He longed for her touch, to see her once more. With every aching muscle in his body he yearned for another opportunity. Being around her wasn't enough, no, he needed to truly be with her, united in both heart and mind. His mind thought only of her, and his heart beat only for her, in this their purpose was united. To be with her was truly his need. His soul tore against the fabric around him. Without another opportunity which he yearned for so greatly, his body might tear and his heart forever ache. Once more was all he asked for. One more chance to see her.

He was stuck in a loop like this for some time now, when suddenly something occurred to him.

"Charizard! Char Char Charizard Char!" Charizard cheered, it was only a matter of time before all his problems would be solved.

Charizard made his way to Mario's room. He was too caught up in his own emotions to notice when he passed by Meta Knight and Jigglypuff heading downstairs in their swimsuits He was too busy floating on his own cloud to notice a man with a bloody knife running upstairs to a room somewhere. He was too busy to realize the he wasn't wearing anything.

But that's okay because he never wears anything. (8)

As he arrived at the door to Mario's room, he was stopped by Luigi.

"My friend, I sense something troubles you. What does the matter appear to be?" Luigi asked with open arms.

"Charizard!" Charizard yelled, pushing Luigi out of the way and knocking on Mario's door.

"WHAT!" Mario screamed, a loud thump could be heard, followed by a clatter. Then stomping. Finally the door was creaked open.

"Oh, it's just you" Mario muttered. "What the hell do you want?"

"Char!" Charizard roared enthusiastically.

"You know, I like you. You've got spirit. Come on in," Mario said, opening the door fully, kicking some of the clutter out of the way to make a path through his room.

"Now, this... DAMN game, (9) has been PISSING ME OFF!" Mario screamed. "No matter what I do, no matter how long I spend on this damn game, I CAN'T BEAT IT! IT'S JUST NOT POSSIBLE! AAAAAAHHHHH!"

Mario broke into a long tirade of swearing and destruction, stomping around and drop kicking his controller.

"CHAR!" Charizard roared, trying to turn the attention back onto the Jigglypuff.

"You're right." Mario said, he slumped back into his chair and leaned back, kicking his feet out. From here Charizard could see the bags under his eyes, puffy and red. Mario's stare seemed to go through the TV, as if he wasn't entirely there.

"Char? Charizard Char!" Charizard questioned.

"Look, you slimy piece of shit. I know they've been unionizing out there, and you better not be a part of it!" Mario began to work up. "I've worked too damn hard for too damn long to let some stupid union get the better of me!"

"Charizard?" Charizard asked.

"Look, take the damn controller, and we'll finish this damn game together. Then I'll help you." Mario said, handing one of the unbroken controllers to Charizard.

"Char!" Charizard perked up and roared.

After hours of trying to beat the game, to no avail, Charizard roared with a fiery rage and threw the console into the TV, then kicked the TV stand over and breathed fire on the whole thing, setting off the sprinklers on the ceiling and destroying everything in the room. He then stomped on the ashen remains and then began grabbing the innocent souls of children yet to be born and tore them into pieces in a rage.

"Ha! I like you!" Mario said, taking Charizard by the shoulder and walking him to the door. "Now it seems to me like you've got the right attitude. You just need to go out there and express yourself!"

Charizard nodded, understanding the wisdom.

"Now, you just ruined about everything I own. So get the FUCK out of my room, and don't bother to show your face around here again!" Mario yelled, pushing Charizard out the door and then slamming it behind him.

Luigi was still out there.

"My friend, I trust everything has been resolved to your satisfaction?" Luigi asked, once again spreading his arms.

Charizard kicked Luigi through a wall and began to stomp around the mansion, looking for Jigglypuff.

* * *

><p>(0)That includes Dr. Mario.<p>

(1)For those who might question our great and wise Ness's choice of words in the matter, I offer the following: the great and wise Ness is above such petty things as "word selection" or "eloquent speech", and has transcended the petty concept of "sounding intelligent".

(2)Sarcackling is an earlier invention of Dr. Mario, it is one of many inventions which allow him to maintain his cackling nature while still giving him flexibility to have different tones of voice.

(3)True fact: Every country that has declared war has failed to have one scheduled dinner time for everyone living in the country. This can be considered a direct cause.

(4)The story had been about horse racing, and had always been about horse racing. I hope this helps resolve Pit's question.

(5)With only about ten drastically notable exceptions.

(6)With only one notable exception: Falco was found stabbed to death in his bedroom. It was a minor change and nobody really cared.

(7)It was absolutely nothing, like most of Jigglypuff's "outfits".

(8)How lewd.

(9)Tetris.

* * *

><p>Will Charizard get Jigglypuff? Will Pit and Samus ever become an item? Will Dr. Mario succeed in his dastardly plans? What will Ness learn in his contemplation on that desolate island? Will I update this story?<p>

That all depends on where my creative juices flow the next time somebody squeezes me. Will you be the next one to squeeze me?


	2. Gears in Motion

**Center of Truth  
><strong>by joebthegreat

**Chapter 2: Gears in Motion**

I have been squeezed.

One quick note (and I'll try to be brief): I am writing these chapters off the top of my head (well, with a few plot threads and ideas that come to me while I'm writing the previous chapter). It takes about a day to write, and another two or three to polish. I don't require a review to keep writing, but I would appreciate any input my fellow fanfiction junkies could offer that might help me improve the story.

* * *

><p>Alloys were hard at work inside the mansion, trying to fix the water damage and cracked walls that had been caused by the rampage of some insane people. That didn't matter here. That didn't matter now. Jigglypuff was content to lay back and let all the troubles of the world wash on by.<p>

"Jigglypuff..." Jigglypuff sighed, closing her eyes, floating peacefully in the pool.

If Jigglypuff had kept her eyes open, she would have noticed the shadow that was forming. If she had looked behind her, she would have seen the large fin poking out of the water.

A large Boss Bass came to the surface. Larger than any Boss Bass ever before seen, its buck teeth stuck out, glistening with their deadly sharpened points. Its mouth was wide open, drooling over the plump pink morsel floating in front of him.

Jigglypuff felt the chill of shade, and turned to see what was happening. She came face to face with the black void that was the interior of the Boss Bass. (0)

"JIGGGLYYYY!" Jigglypuff screamed in terror.

"Hey!" Meta Knight screamed, flying onto the scene. (1) "Who let this thing into the pool!"

In his anger, he flew into the Boss Bass's gaping mouth, sword brandished. Slices and horrible sounds of torn flesh were heard. Meta Knight came exploding from the end of the Boss Bass, blood and guts pouring out after him.

Meta Knight continued to cut into the flesh of the giant fish, turning its skin into ribbons as the red giblets and various chunks oozed into the pool.

"Seriously! This is a closed system! Stuff doesn't get in on its own! This fish is almost as big as the damn pool itself! Who in their right mind would put something like this in here?" Meta Knight screamed as he continued to hack.

Jigglypuff watched on in wonder. Still in the pool, she was now covered in innards. Meta Knight dragged Jigglypuff out of the pool. Both of them were red, filthy, and smelled rotten. Jigglypuff sighed, she had always dreamed of this romantic moment.

"That fish had to be placed there last night, this had to be intentional" Meta Knight muttered, plopping Jigglypuff onto the ground in front of the bloodied pool and stomping back toward the mansion.

"Jigglypuff..." Jigglypuff swooned.

Meanwhile, Charizard's heart was aching, and he was doing everything in his power to find Jigglypuff.

"Charizard!" Charizard roared. "Charizard!"

It was difficult to call out the name of a loved one when your language consisted only of variations of your own name. Charizard was intent on trying nevertheless. He roamed the rooms and halls of the mansion calling out.

"Hey there Charizard! What 'cha doooin?" Pokemon Trainer asked.

Charizard glared at Pokemon Trainer. He didn't have time for distractions, especially from some kid who didn't even have a proper name! Time was critical!

"Charizard!" Charizard continued to roar, kicking Pokemon Trainer to the ground and stomping past him.

"You know, if he keeps treating me this way I'm going to have to put him down." Pokemon Trainer sighed, rubbing his backside. "I really don't want to, but what other option does he give me? What have I ever done to earn such brutal treatment? Since he evolved he's belittled me and refused to heed my orders. He won't even get in my poke ball anymore!"

Pokemon Trainer looked wistfully down at his poke balls, one hanging open, desolate.

"I remember when you were but a little Charmander. I remember as we would laugh, and frolic through the fields, burning them in our wake. I remember the tears of all those children, when you would engulf their Pokemon in flames. I remember the long dinners we would have, enjoying the roast Pokemon we had earned over those hard fought days. We used to do so many things together. Ours was a friendship that couldn't be broken." A tear came to Pokemon Trainers eyes. "And now, you act like you don't even know me! Somehow you think I'm not good enough for you? Your friend who raised you is suddenly just another, what, weak and insignificant boy! I am not weak! I am not insignificant! If you refuse to heed my orders then fine! Your choice has been made, and I will do everything in my power from this point on, from now until the day I breathe my last breath, to make you regret every moment of your decision!"

Pokemon Trainer stomped away.

"Who do you think he was talking to?" Lucas asked his friends, all of them had been hiding behind the game room door, watching the scene in the grand hallway that had just transpired.

Nobody answered Lucas, and they just went back to their games, deciding it was best not to worry about.

Charizard had stomped through the back door of the mansion. It was there he saw Jigglypuff, waddling her way back from the pool, leaving bloody footprints as she trudged along.

"CHAR!" Charizard cried out with concern.

"Jiggly..." Jigglypuff responded distantly, her stare piercing through everything, into some great beyond.

This was bad. Charizard had dealt with Pokemon that got Poke' Traumatic Stress Disorder before, and this certainly appeared to be the case now (2). Looking down on her in that weak and vulnerable state, he realized this was his chance to help her through her time of need. This was his time to be her knight in shining armor.

She looked up at him.

He looked down upon her, as the blood glistened like the morning dew, bathed in the radiant light of the warm sun. Her magnificent form was fully revealed before him. Her lush body had all it's exquisitely singular curve. Her hair looked all right. Her eyes shone with life and depth of soul.

"Jiggly!" Jigglypuff yelled.

Charizard blushed as he realized he was blocking the door. He hastily moved aside with embarrassment.

Charizard remembered back to what Mario had told him. He had to express himself fully. He couldn't, nay, wouldn't let this opportunity pass him by!

"CHAAAAAAARRRRRR!" Charizard roared with a fury. Charizard immediately kicked the nearby wall, blasting a hole to the outside. He blew flame into the rose bush through the hole, lighting it on fire. He then swiped at the staircase behind him, knocking the guardrail into splinters. In this rampage of rage and fury he looked down on Jigglypuff lovingly.

"Jigglypuff!" Jigglypuff cried out, running past Charizard and towards the rooms. She needed a shower, not to deal with some mentally unbalanced Pokemon.

Charizard watched her leave in a dejected stupor. Wasn't this the exact behavior that Mario had suggested was a winning attitude? What went wrong? How could Mario, in all his wisdom, have failed to see this outcome?

"My friend, I see you have created a mess here at the back door to our lovely mansion. Now, why do you insist on creating so much work for our good servants, the alloys?" Luigi asked, approaching Charizard with outstretched arms.

Charizard pushed him out of the way and stomped back to his room.

Later during lunch, Link, Zelda, Pit, and Samus were at their same table in the dining room. Dr. Mario was watching them with interest, formulating how their interactions might change once they all had beards.

"And so I said to her, that's no roll of quarters babe!" Link laughed, holding his sword up and striking a pose. Zelda giggled at the joke. Samus was too busy glaring at Pit to have realized Link was talking.

"So are we still talking about that event at the bank, or the other thing?" Pit asked in confusion. (3)

"Well why don't you tell us," Samus said coldly. "After all, you seem to know everything!"

"Um, he was talking about the other thing?" Pit said, his voice wavering.

"You'll never understand!" Samus yelled, picking her plate up and moving.

"Man, strike two dude!" Link laughed. "You're really going to have to work hard if you want to win her back now!"'

"Who said I want to win her back?" Pit asked. "We were never an item to begin with!"

"Pit, take it from me." Zelda said, leaning forward and putting a hand over his. "When a woman storms away from you in anger, she wants you to chase her. Possibly even strangle her!"

"Wha-"

"Oh, is that what you wanted that night when you kicked me in the nuts, took my hat, and then smeared lipstick on my walls?" Link asked over the protests of Pit, his voice getting hot and heavy. "I have to admit, the thought of strangling you did come to my mind!"

"Hu-"

"Oh sweety! Of course that's what I wanted!" Zelda giggled, her breath starting to get heavy as well. She leaned into her man. "I'm glad we can talk about this openly!"

"I'm, I-I just. I'm leaving." Pit said, grabbing his food and walking away, muttering as he left. "You guys are freaking weird."

"You think he's going after her?" Zelda sighed, resting her head against his.

"Hell yeah. Those two were made for each other!" Link said.

Dr. Mario decided the addition of beards to that group probably wouldn't have done much. He discackled. (4)

Later in the afternoon, in a dark corner of the mansion unknown to all, (5) there was a dark meeting taking place between three shadowy figures.

"Well, who's up this time?" Marth asked, he was slowly becoming more and more accustomed to this dirty business.

"Man, I came up with the last one!" Fox yelled. "You come up with something!"

"I have a suggestion," Pokemon Trainer spoke up.

Everyone looked at him with surprise. (6)

"I think we should hit Charizard..." Pokemon Trainer grinned. "And I think we should make him suffer."

"No, look, we've been over this." Marth sighed. "We don't do torture. It makes it too easy for us to either get caught, or for them to get away!"

"Man, you kill all the fun!" Fox cried. "What's the point of doing this job if we don't have fun while doing it!"

"I'll never have fun doing this disgusting work," Marth spat. "And I can assure you that will never change!"

"If we won't drag it out, then we won't hit Charizard," Pokemon Trainer said, and then mumbled. "I'll just make it a personal project."

"Look, I have to appreciate the fact that you've been able to speak in full sentences for this meeting, and haven't done anything outrageously stupid," Marth said guardedly. "But seriously, you shouldn't be letting this job get personal. You're only going to attract the wrong kind of attention."

Pokemon Trainer stuck his tongue out at Marth.

"So then what are your ideas, hotshot?" Fox asked.

"You know I don't care for choosing the targets," Marth sighed, "But if I had to, I would make the decision as arbitrary and random as possible."

"I think I know just about the most arbitrary person we could hit." Fox grinned, his sharpened teeth reflecting what little light was in the room.

That night, a group of three unknown hooded figures knocked on the door of Olimar. They waited for a tense moment. The door slowly creaked open.

"SURPRISE!" the three yelled, handing Olimar a cake and then running away, before their identities could be discovered.

There were giggles as they ran down the staircase. As they reached the first floor, they bumped into three hooded figures heading up.

"What was that?" One of the hooded figures asked.

"Maybe they hired more of us?" Another asked.

"If they can hire more of us, then I hope they'll replace me soon," The first sighed. "I need to get away from this dirty business."

The three figures then disappeared into the night, going back to their own rooms to get a good night's rest. (7)

One person who didn't get a good night's rest was Meta Knight, who hid in the bushes on the grounds outside of the mansion. He knew something fishy was going on, and he intended to get to the bottom of it.

Whoever had placed that ridiculously large Boss Bass in the pool was bound to have more tricks up his or her sleeve. He was sure he hadn't seen the end of strange happenings in the mansion.

One thing was certain. Whoever placed that Boss Bass in the pool dragged it in from outside. There was simply no place on the grounds to store something like that. He knew, if he waited patiently enough, he would catch his culprit as he came in or out of the mansion.

He froze, slowing his breath. A figure had just come out the back door. It slowly walked back and forth outside, obviously checking for any witnesses. It stopped for a moment, and then started walking straight towards Meta Knight. His heart was caught in his throat. He readied his hand on his sword. So this was the game, was it? He'd make the shadowy figure regret this!

"Jiggly!" Jigglypuff called out, coming into view in the moonlight, a bouquet of flowers in her hand.

"Huh?" Meta Knight coughed.

Jigglypuff was wearing a short silk dress, with cleavage all the way down to her feet.

Meta Knight was stunned for a moment, but soon snapped out of it. "Damn it, child! Don't you see I'm doing something important here!"

Jigglypuff frowned.

"Listen! Go back to your room! It isn't safe out here! You're going to get yourself killed! What are you, stupid!" Meta Knight yelled, waiving Jigglypuff away. "And now my hiding spot is compromised! Hell, you might have frightened the culprit into avoiding taking any action tonight! I stayed up all this time for nothing! What do you have to say for yourself?" (8)

"Jigglypuff..." Jigglypuff sucked in a deep breath, biting her lip. Her eyes began to tear up. "Jig-Jiggly. Jiggly J-Jiggly Jigglypuff!"

She threw her bouquet at him and ran to the mansion.

"Hmm, what a stupid gift." Meta Knight pondered, looking to the flowers now at his feet.

* * *

><p>(0)Nobody has ever previously seen the interior of a Boss Bass and lived to talk about it. It is a matter of contention in modern marine biology how a Boss Bass's anatomy works, as he appears to be nothing more than a hollow sphere with no internal organs when viewed externally. Jigglypuff now has the knowledge to help solve one of modern science's greatest mysteries.<p>

(1)To be fair, he was always on the scene, and knew about this threat for some time. He couldn't simply save Jigglypuff, as that wouldn't be dramatic, so he had to leave and re-enter the scene.

(2)It was not.

(3)Link hadn't told a story. We started this conversation at the beginning. Those are the first words that Link said to the group at Lunch. I hope this helps answer Pit's question.

(4)A discackle is a disappointed cackle. Cackles generally get that way when their children don't go anywhere in life.

(5)With only a few dozen exceptions.

(6)Except for Marth who looked with disdain, and Fox who seemed to be enjoying this turn of events.

(7)By this point, Olimar had been brutally stabbed to death.

(8)There are two schools of thought on this subject. One claims he yelled at her because he really cares about her. The other says he yelled at her for reasons traditionally associated with yelling at people. I merely report, you decide! (9)

(9)He yelled at her for reasons traditionally associated with yelling at people.

* * *

><p>Will Charizard get Jigglypuff? Will Jigglypuff get Meta Knight? Will Pit win Samus back? Will Meta Knight catch his culprit? What exactly is going on in this mansion at night?<p>

These aren't questions to try and hook you. I'm honestly asking. Seriously. Help.


	3. Screwing of the Turn

**Center of Truth  
><strong>by joebthegreat

**Chapter 3: Screwing of the Turn**

* * *

><p>It took a certain kind of depravity to be at the bar at five in the morning. Were they there after staying up all night, or did they just wake up early and start their day with hard liquor and smoke? (0)<p>

Peach sat at the far end of the bar, bags of red and black hung under her drooping eyes, as she swayed on her stool. Shot after shot of whiskey slid over to her, as she downed them one after the other. A pile of countless (1) shot glasses had begun to form.

"*hic* I don need tha' *hic* man," Peach slurred. "I don need ANY man!"

Wiping her mouth with her sleeve, she prepared to stand and announce her hatred for men to everybody.

As she brought herself off the stool, she immediately came crashing down. Her head cracked against the bar. Groans of nausea and pain could be heard throughout the establishment.

Captain Falcon watched and smiled. He figured now was the perfect opening to break the ice, and hovered over the trashed princess.

"Hey Peach, nice moustache!" Captain Falcon grinned.

Peach grabbed Captain Falcon by the ankle and started gnawing on him. He was making fun of her moustache! Her moustache was more beautiful than any MAN's! How dare this MAN insult her manliness!

"Heh, there's more where that came from babe!" Captain Falcon winked. His ankle was the first thing to receive contact with a drooling woman's mouth in years. He was more than happy to receive the attention.

"I don need no stinkin MAN!" Peach shrieked, continuing her assault on the famous racer's feet. "You don even have a 'stache!"

"You're cute when you're angry!" Captain Falcon laughed, pulling out rufies and putting them in his drink. "Here's to you!"

Captain Falcon took the shot, and immediately collapsed to the floor. (2)

"Tha's wha happens to MEN!" Peach slobbered everywhere. "An don you ever forge', or I'll murder yo..."

Peach fell asleep.

Snake watched Captain Falcon's failure from his own booth. He sat there alone, looking down at the table whenever he wasn't glancing Peach's way.

"Wow," Snake sighed. "She really is her own woman."

They both came to this same bar night after night. He had never been able to work up the courage to talk to her. Fighting giant machines and sneaking behind enemy lines was one thing, but talking to a woman left Snake quivering in his boots. How would he handle such an impossible situation? Especially when it was Peach, the firebrand who refused to take crap from any man? Dealing with Peach would be nothing like dealing with more traditional women like Samus.

He didn't know what he was going to do. His heart sank to his stomach whenever he thought about it. He knew he would just have to work up the courage, and accept the inevitable heartbreak. It was a new pain he wasn't eager to learn.

Finishing his beer he left the bar and exited back through the dining room. He noticed Samus, Pit, Link, and Zelda all sitting and enjoying their breakfast together. What he wouldn't give to be able to join that table, with Peach at his side.

"And so then, she had a miscarriage!" Link laughed, dancing around and cheering.

Zelda was leaning on the table, crying.

"Dude..." Pit sat, stunned. "Was this that event at the hospital, or the other thing?"

Samus was quick to reply. "You never think of my feelings! It's always about what you want it to be about, never about us! You're just a little kid! I thought you were my little angel, you're a demon in disguise! Oh why can't things be like they used to be!" She ran away in tears.

"Man, you're going to need to go after her right now." Link said, getting serious. "You need to man up right now and go to her."

"Man up!" Pit scoffed.

"Yes, man up!" Link shouted. "Anyone can go hunting, wrestle a bear, or beat the crap out of someone! But I guarantee you it takes more balls to open yourself up to a woman. It takes more balls to leave yourself open to rejection. It takes more balls to be in love!"

Link had his foot up on the table at this point, looking up to some point on the ceiling as he posed for the speech.

"So yes, you need to man up! You need to grow some balls! You need to quit avoiding the situation! So get out there and show her how you feel!"

Pit sighed and walked off, tired of eating with the group anyway.

"Look at them! All wallowing in their romantic troubles! How their lives will soon change once they all have beards!" Dr. Mario excackled. (3) "They'll realize how unimportant concepts like love and romance really are! They will soon learn how it's what's on the outside that counts, not such petty and undefinable things as emotion!"

"What's with all this talk! When's it going to actually happen!" Mario yelled.

"Quest' la vita e qui il gioire, un' ora di abbrezzo e poi moire," Luigi sighed. (4)

"What are you, Italian or some crap!" Mario laughed.

"Brother, have you forgotten your roots?" Luigi asked, opening his arms to his brother.

"I'm a Smasher! Red blooded and eating steak every day!" Mario yelled. "I don't need no stinking foreign languages!"

As Luigi and Mario debated the merits of different languages, Lucas walked in with all his friends and sat to eat.

"You know" Lucas said, munching on his brownie. "I kind of miss Ness. I wish he was still around."

There was no response. They decided to simply get back to eating and ignore Ness. Sure he was fun to have around, but there was no point caring about him if he was going to be gone so much.

A single tear rolled down Lucas's face.

Charizard came tearing into the dining room, grasping a corndog with his sweaty palms, shouting for the whole world to hear.

"Charizard! Charizard!" Charizard screamed. "Char Charizard Charizard! Charizard!"

Charizard then stormed away, continuing in his search for Jigglypuff. This time he would woo her. This time he would show her his heart! She may have ignored his initial attempts, but that would not stop him! Through the storms of rejection his love would forever march on!

"Charizard!" Charizard cried, storming his way back through the grand hall and into the game room.

"Jigglypuff!" Jigglypuff cried, hurriedly covering herself with a blanket and turning the TV off. (5)

"Char Charizard Char Char?" Charizard grinned, raising an eyebrow.

"J-Jigg Jigglypuff Puff!" Jigglypuff stammered.

"Charizard Charizard Charizard!" Charizard laughed.

"Jigglypuff Jigglypuff Puff Jigg Puff Jigglypuff!" Jigglypuff yelled in defense.

"Charizard Charizard," Charizard shrugged taking a seat in the couch next to Jigglypuff's.

"Jigglypuff Jigglypuff!" Jigglypuff shouted, shooing Charizard away with her hands. (6)

This was it. Charizard was close to her at an intimate moment! He had his opportunity! This time he would allow her to see the real him!

Charizard kicked the TV Jigglypuff had been watching over, and then threw the DVD player across the room. He slashed his claws through a couch and blasted it with flame. He ripped Jigglypuff's blanket away from her and ripped it in half. He then rammed a second TV and continued his charge straight through the wall, he rolled his way kicking and screaming through another rosebush outside.

"Jigglypuff," Jigglypuff cried, shaking her head (7) and walking back into the Grand Hall. Charizard had ruined her personal time with his stupid crush. Oh well, she would simply spend her time with Meta Knight then, for whom her entire being ached.

"Jigglypuff!" Jigglypuff called out. "Jigglypuff!"

She wandered her way through the Grand Hall and into the gym, where she found the mysterious blue warrior.

A lot of people thought of Meta Knight as a villain. Jigglypuff knew better. He may have had a bad side to him, but he grew up in a tough neighborhood. People didn't take kindly to blue blobs on his side of the tracks. Jigglypuff knew that beneath his tough, rugged, bad-boy persona was a heart of gold. Jigglypuff knew he had an emotional side, and she simply needed to dig to find it in him.

"Get the hell away from me already you crazy bimbo!" Meta Knight yelled. "What in the world did I ever do to deserve your constant harassment?"

Jigglypuff ran away in tears.

"Jeez, what's wrong with people around here?" Meta Knight wondered. "People are placing fish in swimming pools and falling in mad love? Don't people act like Smashers anymore?"

Meta Knight sighed as he got off his treadmill. The mysterious blue warrior headed to the showers and prepared for another long day of searching for any leads as to who could have placed that fish. He knew there must have been something secretive and evil going on in the mansion, but so far nobody else had been alerted to the trouble. (8)

Meta Knight climbed his way up the large staircase until he made it to the roof. It was a flat surface with four towers coming up along each corner. It's large foreboding presence lent itself to being called a "castle" more than anything, though the habit of calling it a "mansion" had become something of a loving joke among the Smashers. Perching himself on a corner overlooking the swimming pool, he now tucked himself behind the large stone crenellations. Just as defenders in times long past would hide from arrows he now hid from the sight of his prey. He prepared for a long wait.

With sharp focus and dedication, Meta Knight refused to let his mind wander. No, he was a rock, and would be ready and willing to pounce at the first opportunity. Nothing could distract him.

"I mean, she's pink. I'm blue. If there's one thing my dad taught me it's to always be a racist." Meta Knight muttered. "I don't know if I can stand to turn my back on long standing family traditions."

He could never betray the trust of his mother, or the memory of his father, in such a way. Besides, Jigglypuff was an annoying shrill harpy who only ever got in the way and messed things up. Meta Knight was never going to allow himself to be slowed down by women like that. He planned on living the free life in the fast lane. He didn't want to be tied down anywhere to anyone.

Meta Knight looked back down at the pool. There was a giant Boss Bass in it. Damn. He had to get down there now before anyone ruined the scene of the crime!

He swooped down nearly immediately to the pool. He looked around for any signs of dragging or splashing. This didn't make sense. There were no signs of anybody dragging anything down here. There were no signs of a struggling flopping fish. There weren't any signs of splashing or overflowing in the pool as the fish was placed inside it. How could this be? The fish was so big it was stuck poking out of the pool. How could anybody have put this here, let alone with no trace?

Whoever he was dealing with was a professional. He wouldn't be surprised if they had been watching him, and struck at the exact moment he had stopped paying attention. How could they know so much? There was definitely a powerful force at work behind the scenes of the mansion.

Meta Knight was more determined than ever to find out what that force was.

"Jiggly!" Jigglypuff yelled. She had come out to the pool to relax and get her mind off of the events of the day.

"Oh, it's you," Meta Knight sighed. He tossed a bomb over his shoulder and into the pool, causing the fish to explode in a furious blast of blood and guts, which came raining down on the pair.

"Jiggly Jiggly Jigglypuff!" Jigglypuff cheered excitedly. He did remember! He even destroyed the second fish and sprayed them both with blood and guts! A perfect recreation of yesterdays romantic moment!

"What? Exploding fish guts gets you turned on?" Meta Knight scoffed. "Well, whatever floats your boat I guess."

He walked back towards the mansion, looking down and promising himself he would pay more attention next time.

Jigglypuff swooned. Whatever floated her boat indeed. Meta Knight could be so sweet sometimes. She now knew that moment had a special meaning for Meta Knight as well. Clearly, when he walked away, what he really wanted was for her to chase him. Maybe even strangle him! She wouldn't let him down!

She chased after the blue blob, following him to his room.

As she rushed upstairs, she blasted right past Samus and Pit, who were arguing as they walked into the dining room for dinner.

"How can you possibly say you're gay! We were an item for so long! How can that mean nothing to you?" Samus screamed.

"Samus, I swear, we were never together. I don't know what crazy things you think happened, but nothing ever happened between us!" Pit yelled.

"I just want things to be like they used to be!" Samus cried. "What is it, did I get fat? Am I not beautiful any more?"

"Samus, you're drop dead gorgeous and any man would be lucky to have you," Pit sighed. "And I'm not physically attracted to you, because I am interested in men."

"You don't think I'm gorgeous! You don't even want to have sex with me!" Samus broke into sobs, tears streaming down her face. "Why can't things be like they used to be!"

"Damn it, Samus," Pit sighed, walking away. He didn't want to deal with this again. He'd just find a snack and eat somewhere else tonight.

"Shtupid Shamus," Peach slurred, watching the event as she came stumbling out of the dining room. "Why she gettin so shad over a MAN?"

Peach stumbled over to Samus and brought her in for a hug.

"There there honey. You don need to stupid MAN anyway!" Peach slurred. "Even if he is kinda cute."

Peach led Samus to the bar. Peach had planned on going back to her room, but she figured this event merited some more time at the bar. (9)

Lucas and his friends were watching this happen from the game room across the hall.

"Man, how weird!" Lucas laughed. "Remind me never to get into any relationships!"

None of his friends replied. They decided to get back to the games.

* * *

><p>(0)Ambiguity is the heart and soul of murder mysteries, especially when they include a smoke filled bar. I hope you didn't expect me to just TELL you the answer.<p>

(1)Two.

(2)Captain Falcon doesn't know how rufies work.

(3)It means "excitedly cackled". This was invented by Microsoft, and every time Dr. Mario uses it he must pay a fine of ten dollars.

(4)That's Italian for some crappy statement, I'm sure. I'm sure when Luigi said it he pronounced it correctly too.

(5)Nothing! She wasn't doing anything! I swear! What do you mean I'm all sweaty! It's hot today! Why don't you go turn on the AC!

(6)This is easily the wittiest dialogue I've ever managed to write.

(7)This was a tremendous effort, as it required her to shake her entire self minus arms and feet. How she managed to only shake her head is a mystery.

(8)By this point, Captain Falcon had been brutally stabbed to death.

(9)Peach hasn't seen her room in three weeks.

* * *

><p>Will Charizard get Jigglypuff? Will Jigglypuff get Meta Knight? Will Meta Knight get the perpetrator? Will Snake get Peach? Will Peach get Pit? Will Pit get a man? Will Samus get Pit? Will Link and Zelda stay together? Will Lucas see Ness again? Is this story moving too many directions with no central direction?<p>

I look forward to getting slammed with insults.

I also plan to move this story into overdrive next chapter. We will focusing more on the heart of the story. (Ah, the heart, why do so many men seem so oblivious to it? Alas...)


	4. Shadow in the Shade

**Center of Truth  
><strong>by joebthegreat

**Chapter 4: Shadow in the Shade**

Dear Readers:

PLEASE! OH DEAR GOD PLEASE! There is nothing I have wanted more in my life, and there is nothing I will want again! From now until the end, may you hear my desperation! May you hear its whispers in the wind! May you hear its faint cry in your dreams! Oh dear reader! Have pity for me, the poor author! Oh dear reader! PLEASE SEND ME A REVIEW!

If you don't send me a review, I swear! From now until the end of my days I will look for you! Wherever I find you I will make you pay! Whatever I can do, I will harass and attack you! May this be a warning to any who have read these words! REVIEW, OR FACE MY WRATH!

R&R please.

* * *

><p>Night had fallen over the mansion. The normally bright grand hall was now dark. Moonlight shone in from the large front windows, creating harsh contrast between light and shadow. Meta Knight was still awake, shifting his focus on all the shadows as he hid himself in a corner. He could have sworn he saw the shadows moving every time he tried to focus. The swirling darkness was everywhere. He felt lost in it all.<p>

"Where are they? What are they? They're out there. They're everywhere," Meta Knight mumbled. "Everywhere. They're moving. I see it. Where is it?"

His eyelids felt weighted with lead. His eyes would slowly drag shut before he could snap them open again. He would shake his head, look around excitedly, and fall back into a lull.

He couldn't tell how long he had been behind that cloak in that corner. All he knew is he suddenly saw three figures. He rubbed his eyes. He shook his head. He pinched himself. (0) Those figures were definitely there. Those figures were definitely real.

From this distance he couldn't tell what the figures were whispering. He squinted, struggling to make out what they were doing. Something moving beneath their dark robes seemed to glimmer and catch the light. It looked like there was a puddle of dark fluid dripping from whatever that shiny object was.

Two of the figures went to the main staircase and headed downstairs. The third one lingered. This was it! This was his lucky break! Soon he would find out what was going on behind the scenes of the mansion! He glided over to the figure, energy suddenly flushing through his body.

"Who the hell are you?" Meta Knight hissed, pushing his sword against the back of the figure.

"What the-"

Meta Knight cut the figure short, kicking its knees in. His hands shook as he brought a sword to the figure's neck.

"What do you want?" The figure gasped.

"I want to know who you are!" Meta Knight spat.

"I-I was only doing what they told me to do!" the figure cried. "I didn't want to do it! I only ever wanted to get out of this dirty business!"

"Who's 'they'!" Meta Knight yelled. "What dark forces conspire behind the curtains? What powers vie for dominance beyond the perceptions of mere men? What vile and hellish truth lurks under the veneer of normalcy?"

"What are you talking about? You're mad!" the figure choked.

"Mad? No! What's mad is this group of dark robed figures sneaking about in the middle of the night!" Meta Knight yelled. "Now tell me! Who are 'they'!"

"How can you not know them? They hired all of us!" the figure cried. "Look around you, man!"

Meta Knight looked up. The pair was surrounded by hooded figures. They swarmed around, blending into and dancing with the shadows.

"What?" Meta Knight gasped. "What are you?"

It was then that the figure removed it's hood. It was Marth.

"I'm assuming 'they' as we were saying it refers to Master Hand and Crazy Hand," Marth sighed. "They kind of brought us here, and have us do strange tasks from time to time."

"Hmmm?" Meta Knight couldn't think of anything to say. This was not what he had expected. If Master Hand and Crazy Hand were behind the Boss Bass event, and every Smasher was in on it, then why hadn't he been informed? (1)

Marth seized upon the distraction of Meta Knight. He pushed the sword away from his neck and rolled to the side, pulling up his hood and running away.

Meta Knight watched the figure blend into the darkness. He was left alone in that grand hallway. He nervously glanced at the shadows, each of them seemingly jumping out at him and at the same time dancing away.

This was crazy. He needed to get some sleep.

"Jigglypuff!" Jigglypuff squealed, running up to Meta Knight. She knew she would find him here!

Meta Knight threw his cloak over himself and ran into the shadows, disappearing from view.

"Jiggly," Jigglypuff pouted.

"Charizard!" Charizard squealed, running up to Jigglypuff. He had been stalking her, and figured this would be a perfect opportunity to proclaim his love!

Jigglypuff put on her dark cloak and ran into the shadows, disappearing from view.

"Char!" Charizard wailed.

The morning came, birds were chirping and people were heading to breakfast. Bowser was busy trying to fit his shirt on. He heard his door shut. He hadn't opened his door. What was going on?

"Prepare to die," a dark voice said.

"Huh?" Bowser asked.

"I'm going to brutally stab you to death," the dark voice said.

"Where are you?" Bowser asked.

(2)

Meta Knight walked his way into the dining room. He noticed Link, Samus, Pit, and Zelda all sitting together.

"I'm telling you! I'm serious!" Pit yelled. "I'm a homosexual! I am interested in men! I am not interested in a relationship with you, Samus!"

"Why? Why won't you accept me?" Samus cried. "Why must you, like all the men in my life, avoid me and say we were never serious? Why do you have commitment issues?"

"Ha! You're gay?" Link laughed. "I always knew there was something odd about you. How long have you known? I might be able to hook you up with someone."

"Oh stop supporting him!" Zelda hissed, elbowing Link. "It's a terrible and addictive habit! You don't want to have anything to do with it!"

"You make it sound like heroin!" Link nudged back.

"I don't want to talk about that right now," Zelda sighed.

"A bad habit?" Pit asked.

"Yeah, men get addicted to gay sex and stop fulfilling their duty to women!" Zelda yelled.

"It's like Peach always said," Samus cried. "Men have commitment issues! They're all just typical men!"

"I don't think you should listen to Peach," Zelda said, concern in her eyes. "She's a reckless drunk. I don't even know the last time she showered."

"What are you talking about?" Link yelled. "Peach is a strong women. Men like women who are willing to take charge! You don't have to be submissive all the damn time!"

"Shut the hell up you idiot!" Zelda yelled. "This has nothing to do with how strong she is! She doesn't shower!"

"Well not everyone needs to be so feminine!" Link yelled.

The two jumped up on the table, stomping and kicking their food around. Fists flew. Blood and spit soon followed.

"Are those two going at it again?" Lucas asked, watching the crazed couple as he ate with his friends.

Nobody said anything. They decided to just get back to eating their breakfast.

Link and Zelda calmed down and sat back down.

"So anyway, come on Pit! I'll hook you up with a friend of mine! We can even go out on a double date together!" Link suggested.

"No way!" Zelda cried. "Come on Samus! Me and Link will go with you and Pit for a double date!"

"Okay!" Samus chirped.

"Fine," Pit sighed. "Who am I going out with anyway.

"Samus!" Zelda smiled.

"You'll find out when you get there!" Link smiled.

Meta Knight finished his breakfast and left the dining room.

"Hey, wait up!" Lucas yelled, running to Meta Knight with all his friends.

"What the hell do you want?" Meta Knight grumbled, rubbing his eyes.

"My friends were wondering, why are you always walking with your sword out?" Lucas asked.

"Huh?" Meta Knight looked down to his sword, still caked with blood. "I guess, I just, I just like to have it. Just in case, you know?"

"Ha! Isn't that crazy guys!" Lucas called to his friends.

"Who are you talking to?" Meta Knight asked.

"My friends!" Lucas said, waving to his friends.

"There's nobody there." Meta Knight said. "You should talk to a psychiatrist. I'm going to bed."

Meta Knight walked off.

"What in the world is he talking about?" Lucas laughed, looking to his friends. His friends didn't respond. They decided to go to the game room. (3)

Popo and Nana soon went walking into the game room.

"Come on Nana. Just right here," Popo called, his voice high and supporting, leading Nana to the couch. "There you go."

"Hey, what's up?" Lucas asked.

"Oh, Nana is supposed to play for at least an hour a day." Popo said. "It helps with her, um, condition."

"Damn it Popo!" Nana yelled. "I'm not retarded!" (4)

"Now Nana, you know what the doctor said about yelling." Popo said.

"Doctor Mario has a doctorate in theology!" Nana cried. "Just because he says I'm retarded doesn't make me legally or medically retarded!"

"Nana, please calm down," Popo shushed. "It's bad for your condition to get so excited."

Lucas and his friends all laughed.

"So your sister's kind of cute," Lucas mentioned.

"What are you getting at?" Popo asked.

"I want to do stuff to her," Lucas stated bluntly.

"Jesus dude! She's my sister!" Popo cried. "She's not even mentally capable of understanding what you're talking about!"

"I'm not retarded!" Nana screamed.

"When I'm done with you, you'll be drooling like a retard," Lucas laughed.

"AUGH!" Popo screamed, taking Nana by the hands and dragging her out of the room. "You stay away from my sister!"

Lucas and his friends went back to playing their games.

"You know, he was kind of cute," Nana smirked.

"There there Nana," Popo cried, patting Nana on the head. "It's going to be okay."

"Oh hey there Popo!" Dr. Mario cackled, waving to the pair. "How's your retarded ass sister doing?"

"We're making it through this," Popo cried, tears streaming down his face.

"Whatever. Maybe with a beard she won't be so retarded!" Dr. Mario laughed, walking upstairs.

Peach was sitting at the bar the whole time, going through bottles of vodka. (5) Samus came in and sat with her.

"That damn MAN!" Peach cried. "He doesn't care about you at all! He just wants to be with other MEN!"

"Yeah," Samus said, looking down at the bar.

"Here's what you need to do," Peach said, putting her hand around Samus's chin, pulling Samus close to her. "Take me with you, I'll help you corner him wherever you go. We'll drag him into a back alley and you can rape him."

"Um, really?" Samus asked. She may have been drunk, but that sounded wrong.

"Yeah, yeah it's cool!" Peach laughed. "They don't arrest women for rape. Just make sure you bring me along. He's kind of cute after all."

"Right," Samus sighed, getting back to her drink.

Snake sighed as he watched the pair of beautiful women, especially Peach. She was so in control. She was so sure of herself. She knew what she was talking about. Even the air around her seemed to smell afraid of her. Any man would be lucky to get her.

He just couldn't bring himself to walk up there. No way. No way would a strong woman like her want some weak nobody like him He wasn't what women wanted. His mysterious past, his history as a soldier, his peak physical conditioning, all of these things made him poor material for women. No, women wanted men who were flabby, who were safe, and who had long boring pasts that could be recalled in tedious detail. He was none of those things.

He sighed and looked down at his beer. He had lost count of how many he had at this point. He kept wanting to drink himself into a stupor. Maybe, just maybe, he would get plastered. Maybe, just maybe, he would manage to be brave once he got too drunk. Maybe he would finally say what he always wanted to say to the strong woman. He never seemed to reach that point. He always seemed to be in control, watching what was going on. That fantasy of a drunk forgettable hook up would never happen for him.

"When are you going, anyway?" Peach asked.

"Tomorrow morning" Samus said. "We're making a whole day of it."

"Well what are you waiting for? Let's get you fixed up and ready!" Peach cried. "We'll make those MEN know they can't jerk you around any more!"

The two ran up to Peach's room for a makeover. This was when Peach realized she didn't actually have any make up, or soap, or anything that could be considered hygienic in any way. There was really just a bed in her room. The bathroom in the back didn't even have a shower curtain.

"How often do you use this room?" Samus asked.

"I don't think I've ever actually been in here before," Peach shrugged. "Let's just go to the room next door."

They walked out of Peach's room, and headed into Falco's room next door.

As Peach opened the door, she came face to face with the rotting corpse of Falco. (6)

* * *

><p>(0)If Meta Knight was an experienced lucid dreamer he likely would have had more sophisticated methods to check if he was really dreaming. Everyone should learn how to lucid dream. If you can't lucid dream you are a terrible person.<p>

(1)He wasn't informed because Master Hand ran out of ink while writing the letters. Meta Knight therefore only ended up with half of a letter, which he assumed was junk-mail.

(2)Bowser was brutally stabbed to death.

(3)In the game room they enjoyed playing Solitaire, and then moved on to Freecell.

(4)At least, that's what she had tried to say. She was retarded, so what she actually said came out a little bit differently.

(5)She went through (1/16)th whole bottles!

(6)To be fair, she wasn't really face to face. A more accurate description would say she was standing perpendicular to Falco. He was laying at about a 147 degree angle from Peach, if you would consider the direction she was facing as 0 degrees. Her feet were about five feet away from his head. His body was about a foot off center from her, to her left. She was capable of seeing his face from here though.

* * *

><p>Will Charizard get Jigglypuff? Will Jigglypuff get Meta Knight? Will Meta Knight get more sleep? Will Snake get Peach? Will Peach get Pit? Who will Link set Pit up with? Will Samus get Pit? Will Link and Zelda stop fighting? Will Lucas get Nana? Will Lucas see Ness again? Will Dr. Mario go forward with his dastardly plan?<p>

You might be wondering why it has been so long between updates. Allow me to paint you the picture:

My mother started yelling at my father. Not keen on getting yelled at, my father started yelling back. They both yelled for quite a long time (entire days, in fact). I was required to maintain the logistics of this operation.

More yelling is scheduled for the coming weeks. It's okay though. Trust me.


	5. Interlewd

**Center of Truth**  
>by joebthegreat<p>

**Chapter 5: Interlewd**

* * *

><p>The scream of a terrified woman could be heard through the entire mansion.<p>

"I wonder who's screaming?" Peach asked, as she finished placing chopped up bits of Falco's body into baggies. "It's kind of annoying." (0)

"Why are we hiding this body again?" Samus asked, scrubbing blood out of the carpet.

The silence that followed was awkward.

"Seriously, shouldn't I be getting ready for the date?" Samus asked.

The following silence was confident in itself.

"Umm, Peach, are you going to talk to me here?" Samus turned to look at Peach. (1)

(2)

"Anyway, um," Samus shifted uncomfortably, looking around the stinky room. "I'll just take all of Falco's makeup and head back to my room."

Samus didn't know who she was explaining that to, but she knew she had to explain it. She stuffed Falco's extensive makeup collection into a bag and walked out of the room.

On her way, she bumped into Fox.

"Oh, hey Samus, do you know where Falco's been lately?" Fox asked.

"Umm, no?" Samus looked away from Fox's piercing stare.

"Right, but he's in his room then?" Fox continued to stare directly at the nervous girl. "I mean, he let you borrow his makeup, obviously."

"Well, uh, you see, umm." Samus was locking up. Her mind was racing in circles and going nowhere. She had no idea what to do or say. Her heart was beating furiously.

Fox opened Falco's door. He saw a dead Peach, some blue feathers, and some baggies leaking blood. The smell coming from the room was absolutely rancid, and he found himself overwhelmed by it. He collapsed in the hallway.

"Well, this doesn't look very good," Samus sighed. "I'm going to have to do some cleaning. Oh, but Peach is always the one who knows what to do in these situations! I'm no good with this sort of stuff!"

Samus ran to the first person she could think of, Pit. Sure, they had had their relationship issues, but he was usually supportive and understanding.

"Pit! Pit! You have to help me!" Samus cried, knocking on the door.

"What is it this time?" Pit sighed, opening the door.

Samus was in tears, she immediately brought her face into his chest, hugging the soft comforting angel.

"Umm, why are you here?" Pit asked. Taken aback, but mostly annoyed, Pit held his hands back and taking a step away from the crazed woman. She always did this. She had absolutely no control over her emotions. Sometimes Pit wished Samus could be a stronger woman, like Peach.

"I-I was with Peach, and, and we went to Falco's room, and i-it smelled disgusting, a-and Fox was there, and there was so much blood!" Samus sobbed.

"Slow down, start at the beginning." Pit said, putting his hands on Samus's shoulders and steadying her.

"Well, we went to Peach's room to get me ready for the date tomorrow." Samus started, Pit nodding. He wasn't going on any date with her, but he didn't think now was a good time to bring it up.

"And, her room was empty, so we went to Falco's room instead, which was a stupid idea, I know it was such a stupid idea, how could I have ever been so stupid to go along with it!" Samus started hitting her head with open palms.

"So what happened next?" Pit asked.

"And so, Falco was dead in his room! And then, after I had looked away, Peach was suddenly dead! And then Fox came in, and he collapsed! And I don't know what's going on!" Samus cried, pulling herself back into Pit.

"We should go to Master Hand about this," Pit said calmly, pushing Samus away.

"Oh Pit," Samus moaned, seductively pushing herself against him as he continued trying to push her away. "Comfort me."

It was then that Pit noticed the smell of alcohol on her breath. Just great. She was drunk, and hysterical, and couldn't control herself for longer than a minute. This had gone too far.

"Get out of my room," Pit said, pushing Samus back through his door. "You're drunk. I don't need to deal with your antics right now."

And with that, Pit slammed the door in her face.

He was such an angel. He was such a dream. And yet, he never seemed to be in reach. Samus walked back to her room, dejected. She would simply have to be stunning on the date tomorrow. She would win him back. She would prove to him that she could be an angel too.

She collapsed to the ground in her own vomit. (3)

* * *

><p>(0)Peach is the one who screamed.<p>

(1)Peach had been brutally stabbed to death.

(2)Peach wasn't actually dead, she had actually spread some of Falco's blood on herself and put a phony knife against herself as she laid against the ground. This may sound like a bad idea, but to be fair to Peach, she was drunk at the time.

(3)This is possibly the most romantic line of description I have ever written. (4)

(4)Oh, also, I totally forgot to mention. Peach gets up laughing and notices Fox has passed out, but she thinks he's dead, and so she passes out in shock. Fox then gets up and goes to get help, but slips on some blood and bumps his head, knocking himself out. Peach then wakes up and drags Fox back to her room (no, not her actual room, but the bar, where she actually lives). Fox then wakes up confused and walks back up to his room in a daze. That stuff happened. I just didn't want it getting in the way of the beautiful ending to this chapter.

* * *

><p>How will the date go tomorrow? Will Samus get Pit? Who will Link set up with Pit? What about those other people?<p>

Find out on the next episode of Center of Truth!

That may have seemed like a short chapter. It was.

It may seem like I spent too long on this chapter. I did. Well, to be fair, other things were calling for my attention. Don't worry, for the next month I should be able to update more often. I might end this story in a nice tidy bow by then. I might fail miserably and end this story in a large disgusting mess.


	6. Super Smash Metro

**Center of Truth**  
>by joebthegreat<p>

**Chapter 6: Super Smash Metro**

* * *

><p>Samus was wearing a deep blue dress. Blue had always suited her, and she thought she looked good in dresses. The dress was strapless, and fell just short of her knees, which was much more provocative than the traditional dresses Samus was used to wearing. Tonight she was determined to be a goddess, and she would make Pit ache with desire, even if it killed her. (0)<p>

As she was applying her deep red lipstick, a knock came at the door.

"Who is it?" Samus chirped.

"It's me, Zelda!" Zelda replied. "Ready for our date?"

"Am I ever!" Samus smiled, opening the door. Zelda was standing in her pink royal dress, with the gold trim and long white gloves. She always looked absolutely stunning when she wore that outfit.

"Oh Samus! You look like a slut!" Zelda pushed Samus into the room, closing the door behind them. "What are you trying to do, rape him?"

"Hey! I was going to say you looked stunning!" Samus pushed Zelda back. "But now I think it would be better to just say you look like a prude!"

"Excuse me for having a sense of what's good formal attire and what isn't!" Zelda brushed her hair to the side, looking into the air indignantly.

"Peach told me to go with a less is more approach!" Samus thought back to earlier in the day, when Peach, still covered in blood from last night, had come over and muttered those exact words, before passing out.

"Peach is a terrible influence." Zelda scoffed. "And where is she now? Back at the bar? She's not going out with us on a date. She doesn't even know what a date is!"

"Oh, be nice!" Samus cried. "She's a strong woman! Sometimes I wish I could be stronger, like her. I let men push me around too much!"

"Be assertive, not aggressive." Zelda looked Samus in the eyes, putting a hand on her shoulders. "Believe me, you don't have to be a bitch to be a strong woman."

"Well then stop being a bitch about my outfit!" Samus joked.

"Oh come on!" Zelda protested. "At least cover your shoulders!"

"Only weak women let MEN tell them to cover their shoulders!" Peach groaned, stumbling out of the closet.

"Well it's a good thing I'm a woman then." Zelda pushed Peach out the door and kicked her down the stairs. A loud crack could be heard at the bottom, and Peach was silent.

"Here, I'll wear some long blue stockings and blue gloves, so while my shoulders are exposed, I at least won't seem so bare." Samus pulled up the accessories. "Is that a suitable compromise?"

"Good idea!" Zelda said, turning from the door and wiping the sheer hatred from her face. "But hurry up! It's almost time to go!"

Meanwhile, the men were busy preparing.

"Are you ready?" Link asked, coming out of the bathroom in a full tux, with a green dress shirt underneath. His golden hair was parted and combed to give a presentable appearance.

"As always," Marth sighed, turning around to show his gleaming tiara. His royal blue cape flowed down, framing his regal appearance. "I wish you would tell me who I'm going out with this time. I really need to get away from this dirty business."

"Trust me, you'll like this person. They're a lot like you." Link began listing on his fingers. "Doesn't like dirty stuff, flat personality..."

"Hey! I have a deep personality!" Marth protested.

"Tell me one thing about you, besides the fact you don't like dirty businesses!" Link laughed.

"I'm getting more accustomed to this dirty business!" Marth pointed. "Which implies that I'm willing to learn and work at something even though it disgusts me!"

"When did you ever tell anyone you were getting more accustomed to anything?" Link asked.

"Just because I never told you doesn't make it not true!" Marth yelled.

"Look, it's about time for us to leave." Link said.

"Where are we going, anyway?" Marth asked.

"The Jungle Restaurant, in downtown," Link opened the door, walking out.

"Isn't that the one owned by a monkey?" Marth asked, following Link.

"I didn't know you were a racist," Link frowned. (1)

Donkey Kong's Jungle Restaurant was always a party. Most people asked Donkey Kong why he bothered working at a restaurant when he lived in a mansion that provided everything anyone could ever want. Donkey Kong made it a point to hurt those people.

Today was a special occasion! Four friends were coming to his restaurant! He had reserved the best seats in the house, and had his best cooks on full alert, waiting for the moment they would walk in.

Pit had come to the restaurant first, wearing angelic robes, and sat waiting for his party to arrive. It didn't take long, as Link and Marth came walking in only a few minutes later.

"Hey Pit!" Link smiled, walking over the the table and shaking his hand. "Meet Marth!"

"I've already met him, of course," Pit licked his lips. "But yes, nice to formally meet you, Marth."

"Um, Link?" Marth asked, nervously. "You told me there would be four people on our date?"

"Yes?" Link took a seat and smiled politely.

"So, was there a last minute change?" Marth was still standing by the table, awkwardly. "Are there going to be six people here?"

"Oh! No!" Link laughed. "Don't worry! Zelda should be here any minute! You know how girls are, always taking their time!"

Marth laughed uncomfortably, Pit was just looking hungrily at Marth.

"Ah, um, yes. And there are only four chairs here!" Marth's laughter died down. "And where will all the ladies sit?"

"No, no, no!" Link continued laughing jovially. "Zelda's coming here alone!"

Just then, Zelda walked in with Samus. They looked around for a bit, before stomping over to the table.

"Just who the hell is this?" Zelda screamed, casting Marth a dirty glare.

"What's that slut doing here?" Link yelled, standing up and throwing Pit's glass of water in Samus's face.

"At least I don't promote Pit's dangerous and filthy bad habit!" Zelda spat, kicking the table over.

"That's it! I've had it with your bigotry! I'm fucking done, Zelda! I'm done!" Link stormed off, making sure to land a punch to her face as he left.

Zelda fell to the ground, holding her nose. Blood was falling from her hands. Tears began to stream down her face.

Pit was too busy eyeing Marth hungrily to notice the turn of events.

"I think I should go." Marth shifted uncomfortably.

"Yeah," Zelda cried. "You should."

Marth stood up and began to walk out.

"Wait!" Pit jumped up, reaching to Marth with longing eyes. "Don't leave!"

"I don't know what Link told you, but I'm not gay." Marth said, looking deep into Pit's loving gaze. He turned and walked briskly out of the restaurant.

"Oh don't mind them!" Samus jumped onto Pit, forcing him back onto the chair with her in his lap, as she began to grind against him. "I'll show you what a real woman has to offer!"

Pit didn't even notice the woman wiggling around on top of him. His gaze remained focused on the door Marth had just walked through.

"I-I can't believe it!" Zelda sobbed, the blood and tears ruining her dress. "I can't believe that bastard would actually leave me! And all over some queer!"

"Are we talking about the event at the restaurant, or the other thing?" Pit asked, confused. (2)

Meanwhile, Marth had stormed his way over to Link just as he was opening the door to his car.

"Hey, asshole!" Marth yelled. "Were you ever planning on telling me my date was a guy?"

"What does it matter to you?" Link asked, leaning against his car. "I pay you to go on a date with someone. I don't pay you to like it."

"I need to get out of this dirty business." Marth looked down with sorrow.

"Now, you owe me the money back unless you get back in that restaurant and work your moves!" Link yelled.

"No," Marth opened the passenger side door. "I'm going back with you. I'll pay you what I owe you. I'm not doing that."

Link sighed and shook his head. Why did all his friends have to be such intolerant jerks? (3)

As Link and Marth drove back to the mansion, Meta Knight was walking the street, his hands weren't in his pockets, because he didn't have pockets. If he did, then his hands would have been in them. He was busy thinking about life. How was he supposed to live in a mansion where floating hands had people carry out strange idiotic tasks? They were putting everyone in danger! And yet, they were responsible for everyone's extravagant lives the first place. Was it really so bad, that they put a giant killer fish in the swimming pool? The Smashers were all adults. The Smashers were all capable of handling themselves. Perhaps none of the strange things the hands were doing was actually endangering anybody?

Meta Knight ignored the sirens, and continued walking. He ignored the screams of pedestrians as he went into a back alley. He was too lost in his thoughts to bother wondering why children screamed and ran when he approached.

"Looking for something, stranger?" A tall dark man asked from behind a heavy cloak.

"I need to know the largest importer of fish in the region." Meta Knight said, pulling a small sack from behind his mask and throwing it to the man. (4)

"There's a warehouse, five blocks from here, they get all kinds of giant tropical fish from the shore. Careful though, I hear the guy who runs it is tough." the dark man said, before suddenly vanishing in the shadows, leaving a brief flash of purple fire.

Meta Knight sighed. Ganondorf could be so melodramatic sometimes.

Jigglypuff was watching from just around the corner. Her eyes were bright and wide. Meta Knight's weird friend had just vanished, and now Meta Knight was all alone in that dark alley! This was the opportune moment to jump him!

"Jiggly, Jigglypuff," Jigglypuff sighed, floating up behind Meta Knight and bouncing against him.

"What are you doing here?" Meta Knight pushed Jigglypuff in anger. "Don't you know it's dangerous to be wandering through dark alleys in the city at night!"

Jigglypuff moaned. She loved it when he put his hands on her. She loved it when he was rough with her. She wanted more.

"You're hopeless!" Meta Knight screamed, flying off into the night.

Jigglypuff pouted.

Charizard was watching from just around the corner. His eyes were twinkling. That vile and thoughtless Meta Knight had left her alone in a dark alley! Now was his chance to show her his love! To show her that he was actually there for her! To show her that he would never leave her alone in a dark alley! Charizard threw a ski mask on and went to work.

"Char! Charizard! Char!" Charizard screamed, kicking the nearby wall down, exposing the dank bar inside. He breathed fire into the establishment, killing everyone inside. Flying into the air, he roared in anger, blasting fire onto the nearby street, causing cars to explode. Then he swooped down, through the roof of another nearby building, a plume of debris getting kicked into the air, while flames exploded from every window.

Screams of terror could be heard throughout the city, as it was engulfed in the fiery passion of Charizard.

Jigglypuff ran in terror, trying to escape this burning hell. (5)

"Did you hear that?" Pit asked, as a loud and not so distant boom shook the restaurant.

"Everybody! There's a crazed monster terrorizing the city! Run! Run!" Donkey Kong jumped onto a table, beating his chest. "Save yourselves! Everybody save your..."

A piece of the ceiling collapsed, crushing the monkey. Diddy Kong ran to his uncle in shocked disbelief.

"I think this is a good time to leave." Pit stood up, Samus still wrapped around him.

"Oh what's the point of living anymore!" Zelda cried.

"Shut up and come with me!" Pit yelled grabbing Zelda by the wrist and dragging her out of the restaurant.

The normally beautiful skyline was now covered in smoke, as fire reached into the sky. Sirens and screams could be heard from what seemed like everywhere. Crowds were running around in the streets with no sense of direction. Just as Pit was taking it all in, the restaurant behind them collapsed. Bloody cries of terror were drowned out in the rubble.

"We need to get to your car!" Pit yelled over the noise. "Who drove?"

Zelda pointed, and Pit saw Samus's ship in a nearby lot.

"Let's go!" Pit yelled, holding Zelda's wrist with a death grip as he pushed through the crowd.

Samus was too busy clinging to Pit to realize anything was happening.

* * *

><p>(0)That was an exaggeration. If forced to chose between survival and Pit's love, she would pick survival. This is because she is a coward afraid of true love.<p>

(1)Link had always known Marth was a racist, but he tried to shame him every time it came up nonetheless.

(2)Zelda was talking about the other thing.

(3)At this point Roy had been brutally stabbed to death.

(4)The sack was full of an element often called "fools gold", which is another name for "dollar bills".

(5)Don't worry, she probably escaped.

* * *

><p>Will Charizard get Jigglypuff? Will Meta Knight get over it? Will Jigglypuff get Meta Knight? Will the city be rebuilt? Will Pit get Marth? Will Marth get away? Will Link and Zelda get back together?<p>

And what about Snake and Peach? And what about Lucas and Nana? And what about Dr. Mario and his stupid beard growth machine?

How many chapters will it take for me to wrap up all these loose ends and deal with this pesky killer subplot anyway?


	7. Recover and Smother

**Center of Truth**  
>by joebthegreat<p>

**Chapter 7: Recover and Smother**

* * *

><p>Meta Knight was limping down the hall. His mask was covered in the stench of burnt ash. Searing pain throbbed down his leg, slowly washing away numbness.<p>

What had happened? One moment he was breaking into a fish storage warehouse, the next saw the entire place burst into flames! If he hadn't been quick witted enough to jump into that aquarium, he'd be dead.

And now he had dragged himself here. While he didn't have the satisfaction of destroying the Boss Bass source himself, at least he knew there wouldn't be any more Boss Bass to worry about.

But wait, the warehouse exploded right when he got there. It could have easily been a trap. How did he know he could trust Ganondorf? What if Master Hand had heard about Meta Knight snooping around? How much control did the Hands have over these people anyway? If he wasn't a part of their plan, how easily could they have him removed? Is that what this whole thing at the warehouse had been about?

Meta Knight clutched his sword, and pushed his way into the room.

"Oh, hey Meta Knight!" Yoshi jumped up from his desk. "I just got the weirdest phone ca-" (0)

Meta Knight walked back down the hall and to his room. All he could do now was wait and see if any more Boss Bass would be placed in the pool. For now, he needed some sleep.

Downstairs in the dining room, people coming back from the city were resting from all the excitement.

"Wow, you were such a strong dominant man during that disaster!" Samus swooned, pushing herself forcefully against Pit.

"Look, I just did what I had to. It doesn't make me any less gay." Pit pushed Samus to the ground. She moaned as she made contact with the floor.

Zelda just sat with her face in her hands, ignoring the pair.

"Ha!" Link approached, kicking Samus while she was on the ground. "Samus the slut, scum beneath my boot! Pit is obviously interested in Marth! I, as a good friend, have set him up for another date!"

Link brought his hand from behind his back, holding a struggling Marth by the hair.

"That's right!" Pit stood up, moaning slightly. "I'm interested in Marth! Not you, Samus!"

"How can you say that? After everything we've been through?" Samus begged.

"Ha!" Peach shrieked, stumbling into the room from the bar, tripping over herself, and then crawling forward with the most forceful whimper anyone had ever seen.

Peach's hair was a tangled mess. She was covered in blood. A scab had formed over the crown of her head, and her eyes were glazed over, almost as if she wasn't fully aware of where she was. Dried vomit seemed to be caked to the sides of her mouth. Her pale skin had an uneven coating of dirt and grime.

"Pit's jus' like all those other MEN!" Peach's screaming voice was muffled as her face fell to and was dragged against the floor. "Women should never let MEN decide wha's bes' for 'em! Leave the lot of 'em! They're all jerks!"

Mario, who had been watching these events while eating a large t-bone steak, stood up in protest.

"Shut up you stupid bitch! You're a piece of shit!" Mario yelled, kicking Luigi over in a rage. "I rescued you once, and you weren't even willing to put out! If that doesn't scream shrill feminist harpy then I don't know what does!"

"Go die," Peach mumbled.

"Shut up, whore!" Mario threw his goblet of wine across the room. "You don't pleasure me when I demand it! You insist on still being a princess and not dropping all of your responsibilities to run away with me! All because I'm too much of a real man, and you can't handle it!"

Peach's voice was impossible to make out, as she continued to squirm against the floor.

"Psch!" Mario scoffed, sitting back down. "You're pathetic!"

Luigi stood back up and took his seat.

"My brother!" Luigi began with outstretched arms. "Why are you always so abusive towards our good friend, Peach?"

"She's a feminist whore!" Mario glared at Luigi with disgust.

"Do you not feel at least bad about having abused her for all those years?" Luigi asked. "Surely, she would not be the way she is now had you not treated her with such violence?"

Mario grabbed Luigi's head and slammed it into the table. That aught to shut his annoying holier than thou face up!

Link, unfazed by the screaming that had begun to fill the room, sat at the table across from Zelda.

"I win," Link said looking at Zelda.

Zelda stood up, walked briskly over to Peach, and dragged her back into the bar.

"Don't leave me Zelda!" Samus groaned. "Who will help me try on dresses?"

"So anyways," Marth said, standing awkwardly by the table. "I should be going, because I don't belong here. I don't like any of you guys. I'm not gay. So I'm not really sure why I'm here."

"You're here until I say you can leave." Pit grunted, pulling Marth into a seat next to him. "Now let's talk about our relationship!"

"I don't want a relationship with you!" Marth yelled.

"Why are you so selfish?" Pit asked. "It's always about you! Why can't it be about me for a change?"

"IT isn't even a real thing!" Marth protested. "I'm leaving!"

With that, Marth jabbed a fork into the hand Pit was using to grip him, and sprinted away.

"Aw," Pit looked down.

"Hey, I'll comfort you," Samus suggested weakly from her spot on the ground.

"I told you!" Pit screamed. "We never had a relationship! I was never interested in you!"

"Heh," Link chuckled. "Can you believe how desperately clingy she is?"

"Are we still talking about Samus, or the other thing?" Pit asked.

The tired Smashers slowly vacated the dining room and headed back into their rooms for the night, eager to rest.

It was the quietest night the mansion had ever witnessed. (1)

The Ice Climbers shared a room, with a bunk bed pushed into a corner. There were lots of children's toys strewn about the room. In the corner sat a desk, with magazines and books all about dealing with the mentally ill. Nana was eating potato chips while watching the TV. (2)

"Are you ready to go to sleep now?" Popo's voice was calm and soothing as he took Nana's hand in his.

"I'm starting to wonder if you're the delusional one." Nana pulled her hand away. "Can you let me finish watching this show at least? It's interesting!"

"No," Popo tried to keep his voice friendly and calm. "No need to get so excited now. Come on, it will be fun!"

It was so tough dealing with her, ever since the result had come back from Dr. Mario, Popo was devastated. Nana had never been the same. Popo had read so many articles on dealing with having to take care of handicapped family members, and no matter how often they stressed not to get down on yourself, it seemed impossible not to be depressed. They had already lived a life with no parents, and now this added responsibility threatened to overwhelm him.

"This show is fun," Nana groaned. "We live in a mansion where we get everything provided to us for free! Can you stop trying to enforce a strict bedtime? Have some fun? Stop bursting into tears reading those stupid magazines?"

"We'll make it through this!" Popo burst into tears, wrapping his arms around Nana and bringing her close against his chest.

Nana rolled her eyes and turned the volume up. She would have to find a way to get back at Dr. Mario. How dare that jerk call her a retard in the first place! She was just a kid! How was she supposed to know not to fall head first into a bucket with water? The big warning sign wasn't even facing her! (3)

"Come on Nana!" Popo forced a smile, even as the tears flowed. "Let's go to bed! You can go to happy dream land!"

Figuring he was about to burst into a hysterical fit, Nana sighed and turned the TV off, and allowed him to walk her to the bunk bed.

Popo watched her get in the lower bunk and smiled. It would be tough, but he was going to get through this.

Before he could climb the ladder to his bunk, a knock came at the door.

"I'll be right back," Popo whispered to Nana, who just curled into a ball and grumbled. (4)

The knocking got louder and louder as Popo walked to the door. Whoever was there was seriously impatient. Popo was going to have to remind this jerk not to be so troublesome around his retarded sister!

As Popo turned the knob, the door was kicked wide open, sending Popo falling on his back. Lucas and all his friends stormed in. Lucas was holding his baseball bat, and swung with force at Popo's face. Popo barely managed to put his arm in the way, a sickening crack breaking the bone.

Popo immediately rolled to the side and reached for his hammer with his uninjured arm. Before he could get there, the bat was brought down a second time, right on the back of his head. Popo collapsed immediately, blood spilling onto the floor. He was groaning and desperately reaching for the hammer, trying not to let the darkness take him.

Lucas stood over Popo, grinning. (5)

"Oh, come now! You're already hammered! I'm afraid I'll have to cut you off!" Lucas giggled, his friends joining in with him. "Besides, I'm pretty sure your sister likes bat boys!"

He emphasized bat with his whole heart and soul.

"What the hell have you done?" Nana cried.

"My dear sweet retard, he was standing in the way of true love!" Lucas went to his knees, holding his arms out to her. His friends all gagged at the cheesiness of the motion. "What fool could ever think to stand in the way of a love such as ours? What villain would seek to prevent the force of our desire? No, with my bat and your hammer we can stand against the filthy masses that would tell us our love is wrong! We could stand before them and show them how right it is!"

"Get out of my room!" Nana yelled. She apparently didn't like the speech. (6)

"I'll see you tomorrow, my sweet retarded flower!" Lucas called, as he and his friends exited the room.

Nana was left alone now. And all she could do was cry.

* * *

><p>(0)Yoshi was brutally stabbed to death.<p>

(1)If we don't count those other few thousand nights.

(2)TV stands for Tumbling Vacuum.

(3)Point proved, Nana is retarded. Just like most kids her age, to be fair. (7)

(4)Little did Popo know, he wouldn't be right back.

(5)Popo was brutally batted to death.

(6)She's a bit biased though. I'd wait for a few more unbiased reactions before judging it myself.

(7)Nana is forty-six.

* * *

><p>I'm kind of disgusted with what I wrote here, just a bit.<p>

Will Samus get Pit? Will Pit get Marth? Will Lucas get Nana? Will Link and Zelda get back together? Will Mario and Peach get back together? Will Jigglypuff appreciate Charizard's expression of love? Will those other characters do those other things?

For the first time in over twenty years, I think I know how I'm going to tie this story up! Now it will be all the more tragic when I fail to do so!


	8. Love in the Air

**Center of Truth**  
>by joebthegreat<p>

**Chapter 8: Love in the Air**

* * *

><p>It was a dark and smoke filled back room. Officially, it didn't exist. (0)<p>

"Why is the room filled with smoke?" Marth coughed.

"I thought it would add to the atmosphere!" Pokemon Trainer smiled, standing over a large kettle filled with lit cigarettes.

"What is wrong with you?" Marth's eyes began to tear up.

"Don't be so hard on the kid, I think it's nice," Fox laughed. "Now, what did you want to present to us?"

"I've come up with a perfect plan to get Charizard," Pokemon Trainer grinned. "It's guaranteed to work. All I need to do is wait until Charizard is alone and going to his room. I will step out of the room, and publicly yell that I intend to kill him. From there, I will send Ivysaur and Squirtle one at a time to duel him! If he wins, I will give him money and then run away!"

"That's a terrible plan." Marth coughed.

"It's not any worse than your military tactics!" Fox kicked Marth. "You guys take turns for crying out loud!"

"We have honor!" Marth stood up, bringing his hand to his sword.

"Look, good plan kid." Fox turned to Pokemon Trainer. "Now take your cigarettes and go have fun!"

Pokemon Trainer giggled, grabbing the bottom of the kettle. He dropped the kettle and screamed, falling to his knees while holding his hand.

"Um, that might be a bit hot," Fox said in a soothing tone, looking down at the kid. "Hey, run some cool water over it."

"Get out of here," Marth dragged Pokemon Trainer to the door.

"Bye!" Pokemon Trainer waved.

Once the door had been slammed shut, Marth turned back to Fox dramatically.

"This damn smoke!" Marth cried, his reddened eyes and tearful face buried in his cloak.

"Ah, it's not that bad!" Fox nudged Marth.

"Easy for you to say, you're wearing a gas mask!" Marth coughed.

"Oh, I forgot about that!" Fox laughed. "It's easy to lose track of these things, you know!"

"Why are we still here? Let's get the hell out of this place!" Marth cried.

"Oh fine, you big baby." Fox joked, taking Marth by the arm and walking him out of the room.

"So, I've been meaning to ask you about that date with Pit," Fox began. "I didn't know you were gay!"

"I'm not," Marth groaned. "Link set me up on a blind date, and didn't bother to tell me it was going to be with a guy."

"Oh," Fox's voice seemed to drop, as he looked down. "Oh, never mind."

"What is it?" Marth looked to his friend.

"I, I was just..." Fox looked Marth in the eyes, pausing for a moment. "Oh, it's nothing."

"Fox, we've been through so much together. You know we're friends. You know you can tell me anything." Marth put his arm around Fox.

"I used to think that." Fox sighed. "I used to think that about a lot of people."

"You know I'm not like a lot of people." Marth laughed.

Fox stopped, taking his gas mask off, and turned to face Marth. He placed his hand on Marth's shoulders, took a deep breath, and began.

"Marth, I'm gay. I just thought we might have that in common." Fox looked to the ground, which Marth misinterpreted as Fox looking at his junk. "People always ask me when I _turned_ that way, but the truth is, I think I always kind of knew. I used to think Falco was my best friend. One day I told him. Falco blew up at me. I couldn't believe it! My best friend had just, so suddenly, turned on me. From then on he treated me like a jerk! He always acted like he was better than me! He refused to let me help him! He never admitted if I did something right!"

Tears began to well up in Fox's eyes. Marth took a step back. Fox looked up to him with pleading eyes.

"And do you know what he did? He joked about me to everyone! He started talking in a lisp, and skipping everywhere, just to make fun of me! He began wearing pink flowery pajamas everywhere and making disgusting innuendo! He was treating all of us like we were just some kind of giant stereotype! He lived his life with the sole intent of making me feel bad about myself!" Fox was sobbing.

Marth's hand was on his sword.

"I used to think that my friends could understand! I used to think it wasn't a big deal, and that we could just get along, regardless of sexual preference! Ever since then, I learned that I couldn't trust people! I learned that, if I wanted any chance at a normal life, I had to pretend to be straight! So I hired the first slutty woman I could find, and made sure I was always seen hanging around her! I knew people wouldn't bother to look at who I was underneath! Nice people could turn so cruel so suddenly!"

Marth drove his sword through Fox's neck.

"That's disgusting," Marth shook his head, walking away. (1)

Meanwhile, in a different place.

It was a clean and well lit room. Officially, it existed. (2)

Wolf was in the center of the room, newspaper clippings were plastered along all the walls. Highlighter was circling the names of recently deceased Smashers.

"I've figured it out!" Wolf yelled. "There was a pattern to the killings! It was both obvious, and at the same time too subtle to be easily recognized!"

Wolf paced back and forth, his yells seemed punctuated with low incomprehensible muttering.

"Falco was a well known womanizer! Captain Falcon had just tried to use rufies on Peach! Bowser is infamous for his multiple perverted kidnappings of Peach! Roy is known for abducting a princess and forcing her to fight in his army among other things! Yoshi jumps out of blocks and tries to get anyone he finds to ride him! and Olimar..." Wolf suddenly froze in place. "I think we all know what that disgusting freak did."

"So you've figured me out, have you?" A dark raspy voice rang through the room.

"Where are you, devil!" Wolf cried.

"Before I slaughter you, since you've been such a sport, allow me to fill you in on my fine plan!" The dark raspy voice was holding back laughter. "Yes, I have been killing perverts. There was a time when being a member of the Super Smash Brothers used to mean something! There was a time when we had honor, and integrity! We have slowly allowed ourselves to become worldly! We have turned into a gaggle of weak and foolish crybabies, getting ourselves into constant romantic drama instead of focusing on our jobs!"

"How can your voice be so clear? Where on earth could you possibly be?" Wolf asked, looking everywhere, mostly.

"But my approach was wrong! How could I have failed to notice!" The dark raspy voice continued. "It was not that the men were perverted! It was the women! They emit some kind of strange aura, that turns otherwise nice people in to raving lunatics! I could not simply remove perverts from the mansion, because within the heart of every person exists a raging pervert! If I am going to bring the Super Smash Brothers back to it's honorable roots, I must remove females from the mansion! It's so simple, really. We were called the Super Smash Brothers for a reason, and we must return to that!"

"Aha!" Wolf cheered. "But have you forgotten, that we can simply leave the mansion and visit people outside!"

"I will lock the doors." The dark raspy voice countered coldly.

"Before you kill me, could you at least tell me where you are?" Wolf asked, with his arms raised above his head.

"What, and ruin my sneak attack? What do you think I am? Stupid?" Meta Knight asked, standing in front of Wolf, being too close to the ground for Wolf to notice him.

(3)

And with that, Meta Knight walked out of the room, laughing maniacally, and headed to breakfast.

If Meta Knight had stopped to think, he would have realized that Wolf was standing in his room, talking, with nobody else there. If Meta Knight had bothered to fully inspect the room, he would have noticed a camera, set up on top of Wolf's computer, which Wolf had been facing, and which had captured everything taking place inside the room. If Meta Knight had bothered to look at the computer, he would have seen Wolf was broadcasting a live episode of a currently popular video log, which was viewed by tons of people worldwide. (4)

"Huh," King Dedede munched on his seal jerky as he watched the screen. He didn't really like the direction Wolf was taking with his video log.

Nobody in the mansion noticed the absence of Jigglypuff, or Charizard.

Charizard and Jigglypuff noticed each other.

"Jiggly!" Jigglypuff screamed, the tires skidding as she drifted around a corner.

"Charizard!" Charizard flew behind her, passionately blasting his flames along the road behind her.

The city was in ruins. Authorities had completely lost control of the situation. (5)

Jigglypuff had learned how to break into and hot-wire cars, ever since she learned Meta Knight had lived on the wrong side of the tracks. She figured she should learn how to steal cars, just in case she ever had to visit his old neighborhood. She always knew it would be a useful skill. Now her ability to steal cars was the only reason she was still alive.

All those times she practiced running people over, without stopping to see if they were okay, helped too.

Now, Jigglypuff was desperately trying to make her way back to the safety of the mansion, and she couldn't shake this damn possessed dragon!

"CHAAAAR!" Charizard roared, blasting nearby trees.

Jigglypuff put the pedal to the metal, pushing the car to it's limits. She wished she had managed to steal a Mustang, or really just anything with some serious speed. Right now, this Pinto was not making her comfortable.

"Char! CHAAR! Charizard!" Charizard recited poetry as he followed her. "Charizard Char Char!" (6)

As Jigglypuff followed the forest road, she found herself stuck behind an oversized truck, carrying logs.

"Jiggly!" Jiggly swore, completely uncharacteristically, as she was forced to slow down behind it. She considered going into oncoming traffic to pass it, a particularly strong temptation, given the fact that no cars were going in that direction. Still, she felt that would just be wrong.

Charizard, recognizing how annoyed Jigglypuff must have been with the large truck, flew in front of it and slaughtered the lumberjacks inside, before setting the logs on fire and launching them into the air. Charizard's passionate flames rained from the sky, peppering the forest.

"Jigglypuff!" Jigglypuff slammed on the brakes, skidding to a halt just before the wreck. Now she was stuck. How was she ever going to get back?

"Charizard!" Charizard swooped down in front of Jigglypuff, extending a claw to her.

"Jiggly! Jigglypuff Jigglypuff Jiggly! Puff puff Jigglypuff!" Jigglypuff cried.

Charizard grabbed her anyway, and took off to the sky.

Jigglypuff was breathless, as she watched the burning forest passed beneath them. She felt the wind in her hair, the adrenaline flowing through her, it was the most amazing experience she had ever had in her life. (7)

"Puff!" Jigglypuff pouted. Besides, Meta Knight could fly too. It wasn't like this was anything special!

And as Jigglypuff saw the tower cranes, and construction yard, she knew it wouldn't be long before she was in the warm, relatively safe, and familiar mansion.

* * *

><p>(0)Except for in those records, where it officially did exist.<p>

(1)Despite what it might look like, the real reason for what happened is that Marth had just realized Fox was a furry. Marth is disgusted by the furry movement.

(2)Unofficially, it still existed.

(3)Wolf was brutally stabbed to death.

(4)Relatively tons of people compared to other video logs, that is. It had 3 viewers.

(5)Authorities had lost control of the situation months ago. Charizard's rampage had nothing to do with it.

(6)I submitted this poetry to my English teacher. She gave me an F. She doesn't appreciate good poetry. To be fair, it was supposed to be an eleven page essay.

(7)It actually was.

* * *

><p>I realized I was at the eighth chapter, and had forgotten to include that entire Wolf versus Meta Knight subplot, in which they play cat and mouse, detective and killer. This might ruin the intensity of the scene. Oops.<p>

This chapter was a nice way to begin bringing Jigglypuff and Charizard together. I say this mostly because I plan on writing only lemons from this point forward.

Lemons lemons lemons lemons lemons lemons lemons lemons.

Lemons lemons? Lemons! Lemons! Lemons lemons.

Lemons & Lemons!


End file.
